Not Like the Other Girls: Pick-Me Girls
The Pick Me Girl
The Pick Me Girl
In a 1998 sitcom; Seinfeld, Elaine Benes said “I don’t have one female friend left”, to which Cosmo Kramer replied, “You’re a man’s woman. You hate other women, and they hate you”. This is a classic example of a ‘pick-me’ girl.
But what is a pick-me girl? There’s a fine line between what comprises a ‘pick-me’ and simply a girl who is just not feminine. As defined by Urban Dictionary, a pick-me girl is one who goes out of their way to impress boys and make them seem that they’re “not like other girls” — a simp but for girls. Otherwise known as; internalised misogyny, not the easiest to explain, but when you it, you’ll know she’s one for sure. A pick-me girl usually does this to be accepted by boys and be considered “one of the good ones”.
So, if you have ever slut-shamed other women, shamed on girls for wearing makeup, made being ‘low maintenance’ a personality trait, and refused to hold any man accountable for their mistakes: Congratulations, you’re a pick-me girl.
We all probably have encountered a pick-me girl — perhaps we were one to some extent. However, it isn’t just about hating the colour pink, not wearing makeup, or being into video games and sports — I mean, to each their own, but the whole concept behind the pick me girl is about women bringing other women down for the sake of male validation. This includes fostering the perception of oneself as “one of the boys”, demonising feminine traits, and consciously refusing to engage in interests that are typically associated with femininity. But are we too harsh towards pick-me girls?
Internalised Misogyny
There is no doubt that the ‘pick-me’ mindset stems from internalised misogyny, which essentially means hatred towards other women. However, it isn’t always about hatred. Women and girls throughout their entire lives, have heard the phrases: “women can’t drive”, “women are too emotional”, “women are weak” or “you throw like a girl”. Of course these statements are sexist and they subject women and girls to a certain degree of inferiority and insecurity. Nevertheless, it’s also important to note that such words take a toll on how they see themselves, which perpetuates the idea of discouraging women and girls from being feminine. As a result, women unintentionally impose such ideologies towards other women and onto themselves.
Sexism breeds the grounds for internalised misogyny which is harder to recognise and dismantle. When the victims become the perpetrators of the same kind of oppression that they have endured, they too become the agents of patriarchy, hoping for some kind of reconciliation with their own trauma or validation from their male counterparts for repeating the same actions that traumatised them.
Internalised misogyny sets up ‘standards’ that women are expected to follow due to the fact that women are stereotyped as weak, unintelligent, and emotional. The sad thing about this is that these ideas not only infiltrate women and girls’ subconscious by conditioning them to believe that they are defined by such stereotypes but these beliefs also cause psychological damage to women and girls.
So, if you have ever made degrading jokes about your flaws, hated how your body or physical appearance looks, subject yourself into thinking that you are not capable of what a man can do, and doing the most for male attention, then you are a victim of internalised misogyny.
Embracing Femininity
Femininity does not have to fit a certain standard or expectation. You are feminine if you like pink and you are still feminine if you don’t. The bottomline is: we have the power to define what femininity is, so, wear what you want to wear, pursue what you want to pursue, do what you want to do, and be your true self. There is already enough negativity in the world and bringing down other girls to obtain a man’s validation is simply adding fuel to the fire. Your self-worth is not dependent on a man and it shouldn’t be. The narrative that we have to be a “guy’s girl” or a “cool girl” is toxic and quite frankly, stupid- and disparaging or hating on other women or girls who are conventionally feminine won’t benefit anyone, not even you. As women, it is possible to conquer misogyny if we all just embrace everyone’s individuality and who they are as a person.
[Written by: chkh. Edited by: Teoh Jin]