The Curse of Perfection
It’s 2021. It’s common knowledge that the word “perfect” does not exist. Perfection is an ideal, everyone has different ideals, and the…
It’s 2021. It’s common knowledge that the word “perfect” does not exist. Perfection is an ideal, everyone has different ideals, and the ideals of some are sometimes unattainable.
However, knowing something is illogical often doesn’t stop us from thinking it, from feeling it, from wanting it. Knowing that the idea of perfection does not exist, should not exist, does not stop those who chase after its fantasy.
What makes one a perfectionist? Not all perfectionists have these traits but some common ones include being highly critical of themselves, and others due to their unrealistically high standards and fear of failure. It includes having all-or-nothing thinking, which means thinking your work is either perfect or a complete failure. Being a perfectionist often entails never being happy or satisfied with your results, even when you do succeed.
Wow, being a perfectionist sounds stressful. So, why do some people become perfectionists?
There are two dominant roots of perfectionism. These beliefs are often imposed on perfectionists at a young age by their parents, caretakers or even by themselves. These people grow up with perfectionistic ideas in their heads and this can affect their lives and the lives of those around them.
One dominant root is the belief that your self-worth is tied to your achievements, to your work. The belief that if your work is “not good enough”, you’re “not good enough”.
Many perfectionists had to endure rigid, high parental expectations that might have made them push themselves to unhealthy lengths and miss out on the joys of life, or even some parts of their childhood. Some kids with parents who are highly critical of them, who shame them, or who are highly abusive can pull down their self-esteem and make them feel inadequate. Sometimes, parents knowingly or unknowingly set perfection as a standard, harshly punishing any mistakes their kid might make. Parents who constantly compare their child’s achievements with other children can also end up causing their child to feel less-than and feed into this unhealthy idea that your self worth is equated to how much you achieve.
Many suffer from perfectionism because of the excessive praise they receive at a young age for their achievements. Research says that children who are overly praised for things out of their control, such as their intelligence or talent, are highly sensitive to failure, less likely to take risk and more likely to give up when faced with a challenge. This is because by labelling kids as “brilliant” or “intelligent”, parents and teachers make their children believe that they are only valued because of those reasons. It sends a message to the child that they are the label which they have been given and are judged for this label, rather than for their actual capabilities.
These children might place pressure on themselves to succeed more, to keep doing better, to keep maintaining a streak of excellence in order to live up to and perpetuate this label. These children might even develop a fear of failure and become risk-averse because they don’t want to “mess up” and be labeled as “dumb”. The key takeaway for parents or teachers is to be specific about the praise they give. Praise children for their hard work, concentration and their strategies instead.
Some people become perfectionists in an effort to feel like they are in control. They might have grown up in a messy household where they themselves felt controlled by others, like their freedom of choice was taken away from them, and thus became perfectionists over something they felt was at least in their control, something whose outcome they alone dictate, such as their work or their grades.
Another dominant root of perfectionism is the simple idea of “If you don’t do your best, what’s the point of doing it at all?”
This cause of perfectionism is one that I don’t hear spoken about often. Perfectionism is different from striving for excellence, yes, but what happens when you think that you have to do your best, and do it well because you know you are capable of doing so, for every single task? Brushing your teeth, washing your plates, cleaning your room. The tasks that take others a minute to do takes you ten minutes, an hour, or even three hours.
What happens is that you become tired, you become exhausted. One surprising but common trait of perfectionism is procrastination. Some perfectionists might dread doing a task because they know how exhausting it will be for them, so they put off doing the exhausting task again and again until they’re forced to do it, maybe because of a deadline. Perfectionists sometimes worry so much about doing something imperfectly that it paralyzes them, which often leads to them doing nothing at all. This vicious cycle of perfectionism, procrastination and paralysis can lead to even greater feelings of failure.
One common myth that we need to dispel is that not all high achievers or hard-workers are perfectionists.
There are key differences between perfectionism and just doing your best. Just because one strives for excellence and pours their heart and soul into their work doesn’t necessarily make them a perfectionist. They could just be a hard-worker who genuinely cares about what they do.
Perfectionists equate their self worth to the quantity and quality of output they produce while regular high achievers don’t. High achievers tend to have equally high self-esteem while perfectionists tend to suffer from low self-esteem as they have the tendency to be very self-critical. This can leave them feeling unsatisfied and unhappy. It can also lead to them taking constructive criticism defensively as, unlike high achievers who are able to perceive constructive criticism as an advice that they can use to improve and do better, perfectionists might perceive criticism of their work as a personal attack.
High achievers can be satisfied with doing a great job and know how to pat themselves on the back after a job well done. They understand that perfection doesn’t exist and as long as you try your best, it’s good enough. They understand that for menial tasks, there’s no need for one to pour their heart and soul into doing it. It’s not of a life-changing amount of importance that you excel at doing certain tasks like brushing your teeth or making your bed, so don’t stress about how well these tasks are completed, just do it.
Perfectionism is linked to a laundry list of mental health issues, including depression, anxiety, insomnia and more. There are studies suggesting that the higher the perfectionism is, the more psychological disorders you’re likely to suffer. We need to approach perfectionists and the ideas of perfectionism not with shame, but with empathy. If you yourself are a perfectionist, you need to overcome your perfectionism with self-compassion and patience, with a lot of kindness, because unlearning unhealthy beliefs takes time and effort. It isn’t easy to unlearn something you’re so used to, but it is definitely doable and is something that you are capable of doing.
If you, or someone you know is a perfectionist, here are a few ways to tackle perfectionism and achieve excellence in a healthier and happier way.
You could tackle perfectionism by building your self-esteem. Write down a list of your positive traits and say three good things about yourself daily. Celebrate all of your achievements, no matter how big or small. Reward yourself for every single step of improvement and practise uplifting self-talk. Remind yourself that regardless of what or how much you achieve, you have and will always be worthy of happiness and love. So don’t tear yourself up too much on the results and try to focus on enjoying the process instead!
While it‘s good to do your best, not everything has to be done with 110% effort. If you struggle with perfectionism-induced procrastination, try adopting the mindset of “anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” This is not to say you should finish your project terribly but remember, having an average draft is better than no draft at all. Your first try doesn’t have to be perfect. Even if your first try is terrible, you can always improve from it and make it better so don’t let the fear of it not being perfect the first time prevent you from starting at all!
Again, be kind, be patient, and be forgiving with yourself. It might take you time to erase these beliefs from your mind, these things don’t change overnight. It’ll take time, practise and effort, so be patient. As with anything else, don’t criticize yourself or be hard on yourself if you slip up accidentally, and display perfectionistic behaviour. Remember that a small misstep does not erase all the progress that you’ve made. You’ve got this.
Being a perfectionist is nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has aspects of themselves that they can work on and improve, the important thing is that we make the effort to do so. If you’d like more tips on how to tackle perfectionism, there are multiple sources online that you can refer to.
As always, stay mindful and happy mental health awareness month!
[Written by: Ruby Seet]